


After the Fact

by NotThatIWillEverWriteIt



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Fanart, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Needy Jian Yi, Post high school kidnapping, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Safe Zhan Zheng Xi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:29:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22222600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotThatIWillEverWriteIt/pseuds/NotThatIWillEverWriteIt
Summary: Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi are happy to be together again after years of painful separation. But living together after the fact proves to be more difficult than either of them had guessed.Inspired by future!Zhanyi headcanons I wrote fora Tumblr ask.
Relationships: Jian Yi/Zhan Zhengxi (19 Days)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 91





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All the fanart edits are done by me. 
> 
> **Read and review! <(_ _)>**

When the bony hand reached behind Jian Yi and clasped his shoulder, he woke up to his own whimpering. There were no sudden jerks or gasps for breath. Just a quiet, incoherent little whine that squeezed itself out from somewhere deep in his chest. It had traveled a long way from his consciousness to pierce through the veil that separated the dream world from reality.

Jian Yi blinked in the room, trying to make sense of where he was. His eyes landed hazily on a broad naked back in front of him.

Zhan Zheng Xi.

A wave of relief washed over him. He swallowed dryly and breathed slowly, deliberately, to pull the rest of himself out of the dream and calm himself down. He licked his chapped lips – a nervous habit – and pressed closer to Zhan Zheng Xi’s back, absorbing his body heat and inhaling his scent.

 _Wait._ Jian Yi tensed up again. _What if he had woken him up?_

Carefully he listened to any signs of being awake. His only answer was Zhan Zheng Xi’s even breathing and someone slamming the front door in the hallway. Beams of sunlight were spearing through the shadowy room between the closed curtains.

What time was it?

“Mornin’.”

Jian Yi flinched at Zhan Zheng Xi suddenly speaking. His voice was low but clear, no hoarseness of sleep. Had he been awake after all? Had he heard Jian Yi?

“Morning~.”

Jian Yi wrapped his arms tighter around Zhan Zheng Xi’s waist and sneaked a little kiss – a press of dry lips – on the back of his neck. The tips of Zhan Zheng Xi’s bed hair tickled his face, and he nuzzled the soft skin with his nose.

“Stop clinging to me first thing in the morning.”

“But Xixi is so soft in the morning!”

“You’re soft in the head!”

With great effort – and by twisting Jian Yi’s wandering hand painfully – Zhan Zheng Xi managed to untangle himself and sit on the edge of the bed. Jian Yi flopped on his back and watched Zhan Zheng Xi’s muscles and shoulders flex when he reached to pick up his shirt on the floor and pull it over his head. He imagined digging his fingernails in the soft skin and dragging them over the shoulder blades.

Clasping them tightly and dragging them back to the darkness.

A cold mental shudder ran through Jian Yi – an aftershock of his nightmare – and he licked his dry lips again.

“What do you want for breakfast?” Zhan Zheng Xi said over his shoulder.

“Pancakes!”

“Again? We had pancakes yesterday. You should have more balanced meals.”

“Pan~cakes, pan~cakes, pan~cakes,” Jian Yi chanted.

Muttering something along the lines of “then die of a heart attack, see if I care” under his breath, Zhan Zheng Xi yanked on his red sweats and disappeared off to the kitchen. Jian Yi stretched out in the bed and listened to the banging of cupboard doors and clatter of dishes. Lazily he scratched his stomach and enjoyed the feeling of morning light beginning to pour into his bloodstream.

Soon, wafts of pungent coffee and thick batter sizzling on a pan tickled Jian Yi’s senses. He rolled off the bed, looked around for a pair of pants (didn’t bother with a shirt) and padded to the little breakfast counter barefoot. The old stool squeaked and creaked when he wiggled to take a seat. Zhan Zheng Xi wiped his hands on a kitchen towel and threw it over his shoulder with a familiar swing.

“Coffee?”

“Hng.”

A steaming mug appeared in front of him. Droplets of coffee splashed on the counter when Zhan Zheng Xi poured milk in it for him. Jian Yi started at the white swirl slowly dissolving in the darkness.

“How’d ya sleep?”

“Fine~. You?”

He tried to peek at Zhan Zheng Xi’s expression nonchalantly and flinched when he found him looking at him closely.

“Did you have another nightmare? You were whimpering in your sleep.”

“I dreamed that Xixi’s pee-pee had shriveled off.”

“Be serious.”

“I am! It was horrible.”

“Just answer the question.”

“Your pancake is smoking,” Jian Yi said and nodded at the faint swirls of smoke rising off the pan.

Zhan Zheng Xi cursed and hurried to flip the thick disk of batter. Unlike Jian Yi, he could always turn them so neatly, not a speck of batter or grease anywhere. Jian Yi took a tentative sip of the coffee and tried not to grimace. He hated bitter things, but it worked wonders in banishing the last remains of the dream.

It had been just a stupid dream.

“When do you get off today?” he said to Zhan Zheng Xi’s back.

“The usual time.”

“I’ll come to get you.”

“No need.”

“I’ll come anyway.”

A stack of pancakes was put on a plate for him – the burnt one on top – accompanied by a bottle of syrup.

“Excuse me, Mr. Waitress, but my breakfast is burnt.”

“Shut up and eat or I will burn all of them.”

Suddenly hungry and his stomach grumbling, Jian Yi lathered the pancakes with the translucently brown, gooey goodness. A droplet trickled down the side of the bottle, threatening to go to waste. He wiped it off with his thumb and savored the molasses taste on his tongue.

There was nothing better than starting your day with sweets. Well, maybe one other thing, but sugar was definitely a close second.

“Don’t you think it would be good for you to talk with someone?”

“With who?” Jian Yi said around a scorching, syrup-dripping piece of pancake.

Zhan Zheng Xi rubbed the pan with a stick of butter, and it hissed and spat when he poured another scoop of the thick fluffy batter. While the new patch started cooking, he turned to stare at Jian Yi eating.

“I don’t know. Like a psychiatrist or something.”

“Don’t you think that’s overkill? I told you, I’m fine.”

“Then what was the dream about?”

“Tiny penises.”

“Jian Yi!”

Zhan Zheng Xi raised his voice and slammed his hand on the counter between them. Jian Yi jumped on the stool, cowered involuntarily. Regret flashed over Zhan Zheng Xi’s face – a small frown, downcast eyes, and worrying of the lip. He pulled back.

“Sorry. I’m just – “

He released a little sigh and ran a hand through his hair. The frustration came off from him in waves.

“Just give it some thought, okay?”

“Hng,”

The pancake had turned into dry, wooden Styrofoam in Jian Yi’s throat, and he struggled to swallow it down.

“Promise.”

Zhan Zheng Xi shoved his right-hand pinky in Jian Yi’s face and pointed it at him expectantly. Jian Yi looked at it, frowning a little. Just as he was about to say something, his phone started vibrating on the floor next to the mattress. Hurriedly he spun on the stool and strode across the room to where the bed was.

“Oi!”

“Yeah, yeah, I promise,” Jian Yi sang out over his shoulder before accepting the call.


	2. Chapter 2

In retrospect, Jian Yi would have liked to say he had known someone was in the apartment when he was digging through his pockets for the key at the front door. Like a gut feeling or an inkling. An instinct whispering somewhere in the back of his head.

He would have liked to, but of course, those things never happened in real life. Not to him, at least.

Oblivious and unwary, he gave the door a nudge with his hip and turned the key in the lock with a loud click. The warning bells didn’t go off in his head until he smelled a faint aroma of cup noodles flowing from the apartment that was supposed to be empty.

By then it was already too late. A black leather glove shot through the crack of the door, yanked Jian Yi inside, and slammed him hard against the wall. All Jian Yi had time for was a surprised, confused yelp. Muscular forearm pushed against his throat, effectively pinning him in place. Frantic and blinded by panic, Jian Yi struggled to free himself but all he managed was futile grunting and weak punches.

“Let go of me,” he wheezed. “Let go!”

The pale intruder loosened his hold. Jian Yi coughed and sucked in oxygen like it was the sweetest lung nectar in the world. He leaned shakily on the wall, his heart pounding a marathon in his chest.

“Can’t you ever visit like a normal person?!”

The broad-shouldered pale man dressed in all black looked at Jian Yi from head to toe as if assessing him.

“Have you already forgotten everything I taught you? What if I had been someone looking to hurt you?”

Jian Yi glared at him and rubbed his sore throat.

“You _did_ hurt me,” he croaked.

“I left you plenty of clues. If your head hadn’t been in the clouds like it usually is, you would have seen me coming miles away.”

“Thanks. I’ll be sure to be on the lookout for guys who dress like serial killers. What are you doing here anyway?”

“I came to bring you this.”

Qiu dug a white envelope out of his breast pocket and handed it to Jian Yi. It was blank, no name or address anywhere.

“It’s from your mother.”

Anticipation dipped the bottom of Jian Yi’s stomach. With slightly trembling hands, he snatched the envelope from Qiu and tore it open then and there while still standing in the hallway. Qiu strode back to the living room to give him some privacy and opened the cup of noodles stewing on the little table next to the couch.

The letter wasn’t long, about half a page. Impatiently, Jian Yi’s eyes darted across the neatly handwritten lines, only reading here and there. Frowning, he looked up at Qiu perched up on the couch, slurping on the noodles.

“This doesn’t say where she is?”

“She can’t tell you.”

“Is she okay? Safe?”

“She’s fine.”

Seeing his queries wouldn’t result in much-needed answers, Jian Yi followed Qiu and sat next to him, still in his jacket and hat. He forced himself to slow down and read the letter more carefully.

She asked how he was doing and about school. Did he have enough money? Was the apartment still in one piece? He wasn’t burdening Zhan Zheng Xi too much, was he? If he needed anything, she had put some money with the letter. If there were any troubles, Qiu would be around.

In the end, the letter was simply signed “Mom”.

Jian Yi frowned and turned the piece of paper around, read it a couple of more times. He tried to decipher secret messages or little hints between the lines but in vain. It was straightforward without giving anything away.

“Is this all?”

“That’s all she gave me.”

“You saw her? She’s in the country? Can’t you at least tell me that?”

Qiu’s only answer was to go back to slurping on the noodles. Jian Yi flopped back on the couch and read the letter through again.

“There’s no date.”

“It’s not older than a couple of days.”

“Did she say anything to you?”

“I believe it’s all in the letter.”

Jian Yi scoffed.

“Might as well have saved some trees and not bothered.”

“Do you want to send something back with me?”

“Why? I’m sure you’ll give them a full report.”

Noisily Qiu gulped the remains of the noodle broth. When the cup was spotless, he wiped his mouth and put the trash neatly aside on the table.

“You want another?”

“I could use some coffee. It’s a long ride back.”

Jian Yi waved towards the little kitchen.

“You know where everything is.”

While slouching against the backrest of the couch and absentmindedly fiddling with the envelope, Jian Yi watched Qiu move quietly around. He seemed too massive for their small kitchen and yet he moved with grace and precision. He didn’t even hit his head on the low-hanging pendant that Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi constantly bumped against. Bastard.

But it was kind of nice, too. Having someone around. Jian Yi hated being alone in the apartment. He stared off at the surface of the coffee table and listened to rustling of the coffee grounds, pouring of water, and chunky clangs of the mug. The sounds were comforting in a weird way.

The couch dipped when Qiu sat down next to Jian Yi again. He blew on the steaming hot coffee and took a tentative sip.

Jian Yi grinned.

“You have a cat’s tongue?”

Qiu glared at him.

“You try drinking boiling water.”

The envelope rustled and snapped when Jian Yi kept playing with it.

“Say,” he said, trying to sound nonchalant, “do you ever have dreams?”

Qiu’s mug halted in midair.

“Dreams?”

“You know, like dreams. About the things you’ve done.”

“And what things would those be?”

"I don’t know. Just…things.”

Qiu fell silent for a while and looked at the black coffee in the mug as if it would give him answers.

“Not anymore,” he finally settled with.

“How did you make them stop?”

“I didn’t. They just stopped.”

He glanced at Jian Yi out of the corner of his eye.

“You’re dreaming about it, then?”

The envelope kept sliding and rustling between Jian Yi’s fingers.

“Sometimes.”

“How often?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes. Often enough.”

Qiu took a bigger sip of his coffee. Jian Yi heard the echo of the mug and the gulp of his throat as he swallowed.

“Does Zhan Zheng Xi know?”

Jian Yi stiffened and turned to look at Qiu. The shuffling of the envelope stopped.

“I haven’t told him anything. I swear.”

“I meant about the dreams.”

The tension around Jian Yi’s shoulders melted away a little.

“Not really. He told me to go see someone. Like a shrink.”

“And what did you say?”

“That I would think about it.”

“And are you? Thinking about it?”

A sigh was released from somewhere deep within Jian Yi. He straightened himself up on the couch. Nervously, his hand ran through his hair, combing the unruly thin wisps back, and tongue came out to brush his lips.

“I don’t know. But…,” he trailed off.

He could feel Qiu’s pale eyes on him. Observing, calculating. The gaze both unnerved and reassured him at the same time. Then the spell was broken by something electronic starting to beep quietly. Qiu glanced at his wristwatch and pressed a button on its side and the beeping stopped.

“I have to get going.”

He downed the rest of his coffee and stood up. Jian Yi followed him to the entryway. He almost wanted to ask when he was coming the next time but swallowed the words at the last minute. Instead, he buried his hands in his pockets and leaned against the wall where Qiu had had him pinned earlier.

“If you want to see someone,” Qiu said and picked up his helmet, “let me see what I can do. Don’t go about it yourself. You know you can’t talk to just anyone.”

Jian Yi nodded.

Just as Qiu was about to unlock the front door, he turned to look at Jian Yi but wouldn’t quite meet his eyes.

“About the letter – ” he began but paused to frown for a second. “She asks about you a lot, too. I can tell you that much.”

With that and a swift turn of his broad shoulders, Qiu slipped through the door and was gone. Jian Yi was left standing in the hallway with an invisible, uncomfortable squeeze around his throat.


	3. Chapter 3

Jian Yi came out of the bath in a cloud of steam. Flushed and overheated, he padded to the kitchen for a cold drink. While savoring the refreshing fruity fizziness, he looked over the breakfast counter at Zhan Zheng Xi lying on the bed. He was playing something on his small game console. Jian Yi drank the sight of his shirtless torso hungrily with his eyes. The smooth chest. The little line of the hipbone peeking under the waistband. The titillating trail of hair under the navel. His skin looked soft and warm to touch in the yellow glow of the old floor lamp next to the bed.

The familiar craving both excited Jian Yi and made him anxious. It heated his belly and filled it with fluttering butterflies. But sometimes – more often than not – it also ached somewhere deep in his chest and tasted bitter in his mouth like rotting fruits. In those times, he would force himself to look away. After all, it was easier and less painful to reject the thoughts from his mind by himself.

But to have Zhan Zheng Xi close but not close enough – just inches out of his reach – had become harder and harder to bear. For how long would he have to keep denying himself?

The cheap plastic bottle rattled when Jian Yi downed one last gulp and screwed the cap shut. The jars and bottles tucked away in the fridge’s door shelf clanged when he slammed it close with more force than necessary.

Plastering a playful grin on his face he strode out of the kitchen.

“Xixi~!”

Unsuspected Zhan Zheng Xi had about half a second to realize what was about to happen before Jian Yi leaped. He grunted under the weight suddenly crashing on top of him.

“Oi, watch it!”

Jian Yi didn’t waste time straddling Zhan Zheng Xi’s narrow hips and sneaking his arms behind his neck. He nuzzled the top of his head, sniffing the hair that smelled like shampoo and was silky after the bath.

“Xixi smells nice.”

Zhan Zheng Xi ducked Jian Yi’s affection and tried to push him off his lap.

“You’re dripping water all over. Go dry yourself properly. And – “ he tensed up and frowned, “ – are you – go put some clothes on!”

Jian Yi anchored himself deeper in his lap.

“Don’t wanna.”

“What are you, a kid? Go change before you catch a cold.”

“Then, warm me up.”

Jian Yi reached down to nuzzle the side of Zhan Zheng Xi’s neck. He inhaled the scent and pressed his lips against the soft skin. Zhan Zheng Xi squirmed and tried to escape his reach but it seemed like he didn’t quite know where to touch the naked Jian Yi pinning him down.

“Hey, c’mon…,” he said. “Stop it.”

“Just a little is fine, right? Just a little bit.”

Taking advantage of Zhan Zheng Xi’s momentarily hesitation, Jian Yi pushed on. His teeth grazed the sensitive skin. Tongue tasted the slight saltiness. One of his hands traveled down Zhan Zheng Xi’s side. It slid over the ribs until cupping the hipbone. His fingers teased the elastic waistband of the sweats.

Zhan Zheng Xi’s eyes widened when he felt fingers pushing under the waistband, groping his flesh. He recoiled in a flash of confusing emotions. He grabbed Jian Yi’s wandering hand by the wrist and shoved him back with more force.

“I said stop it!”

Time froze in the room. Zhan Zheng Xi’s breathing came out in puffs, and his heart pounded in his chest. He glared at Jian Yi sitting in front of him.

“What the hell! What’s with you?!”

Jian Yi’s eyes were cast down, and locks of his wet hair had come down to drape over his face. His shoulders were taut. Lines of the wired muscles clear under the skin.

“What’s with me? What’s with _you_?” he said. “Is this how you treat someone you supposedly like?”

His voice was tight and grim, almost snide. Zhan Zheng Xi’s frown deepened.

"What are you talking about?"

The words came out of Jian Yi in barely contained gushes, but it seemed once they had started coming he couldn't stop them.

“Just tell me the truth already. You’re actually disgusted by this. By me. But you’re too _nice_ to be honest with me. You’re letting me stay here because you feel guilty. Because you feel sorry for me. I already know it, so you can just come out and say it. Just say it!”

Somewhere in the middle, the emotions had started to get heavier and heavier in Jian Yi’s voice. It began to quiver. His shoulders slumped and head lowered under the weight as if he was being crushed and sucked dry at the same time.

“Because if you don’t,” Jian Yi said in a quiet voice, “I don’t know how long I can take this. I’m tired of not belonging anywhere. Here or there.”

The outburst had taken Zhan Zheng Xi by surprise and frozen him. But the audible hitch in Jian Yi’s breathing broke him out of his stupor. Almost instinctively, his hand reached out but halted in mid-air. Maybe the atmosphere was too raw for skin contact.

At a bit of a loss, he looked around. The fluffy blanket tossed aside on the bed caught his eye.

“You’re cold. C’mere.”

He wrapped the heavy blanket over Jian Yi’s shoulders like a cape and pulled him in an embrace. Jian Yi didn’t resist, just leaned limp and quiet against him in the makeshift heating nest. His wet cold hair dampened Zhan Zheng Xi’s shoulder and cheek.

“What are you talking about not belonging anywhere? This is where you belong. Right here.”

He squeezed his hold around Jian Yi for emphasis.

Jian Yi chuckled humorlessly. It puffed warm against the crook of Zhan Zheng Xi’s neck.

“I already told you it’s fine. You don’t have to force yourself anymore.”

“I’m not. You just – “ Zhan Zheng Xi released a small sigh. “You just need to give me more time.”

The bundle in his arms shivered. From the cold or emotional turmoil, Zhan Zheng Xi wasn’t sure.

“You’re too cruel, Xixi,” Jian Yi said. “I like you. I like you so much it hurts.”

Zhan Zheng Xi closed his eyes at the flat yet desperate matter-of-fact tone. He knew very well what Jian Yi wanted him to say in return. He knew and felt it true in his heart. But every time he tried to say it out loud, the words felt too big for his mouth. He wasn’t a man enough yet to declare such things.

As the silence stretched between them, Jian Yi grew restless in his arms. He tried to pull away, but Zhan Zheng Xi refused to let him escape.

“Listen,” he said, “and listen well. Are you listening?”

Jian Yi was still for a moment until he nodded a little.

“You are by far the most troublesome guy,” Zhan Zheng Xi went on. “You pout like a little kid, you drool in your sleep, you have a weird laugh, and you never listen to what people tell you or think anything through.”

The human blanket burrito squirmed.

“That’s mean – “

“But to me, you’re someone who can’t be replaced. I promise you. And that goes beyond liking or not liking.”

Jian Yi tried to pull back again, and this time Zhan Zheng Xi allowed him to put some distance between them. His red-rimmed eyes studied Zhan Zheng Xi’s face carefully. The thick blanket had ruffled his hair, and some tuffs stuck out almost comically.

“You promise?”

“I promised a long time ago.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“ _Really_ -really?”

With an annoyed roll of his eyes, Zhan Zheng Xi held out his flexed pinky.

“Really-really. Now, stop crying and go put some clothes on.”

Jian Yi’s face lit up, and he bounced to wrap him in an embrace. Zhan Zheng Xi braced for his soul to be squeezed out of his body, but the hug was surprisingly gentle.

“I’m sorry,” Jian Yi mumbled quietly.

Before Zhan Zheng Xi could answer, Jian Yi pulled back and flashed his familiar smile of adoration and hopefulness. The one Zhan Zheng Xi could never quite say how serious it was meant to be.

“So,” Jian Yi said, “what do you like about me?”


	4. Chapter 4

Jian Yi woke up to his hand flopping on the mattress with a little bounce. He must have rolled over in his sleep and reached for Zhan Zheng Xi. Except that the bed next to him was empty, and his hand had reached thin air. 

Slowly, he cracked his eyes open and squinted in the bright daylight.

What time was it? 

His hand fumbled over the edge of the mattress for his phone on the floor. The screen came alive, and Zhan Zheng Xi’s half-naked and sweaty picture greeted him. Jian Yi had sneaked the photo one day when they had been playing basketball at the nearby park. Zhan Zheng Xi had been taking a break after their one-on-one, hungrily gulping down his bottled water. The sunlight had hit the droplets of water and sheen of sweat perfectly. How can he not have made this masterpiece his wallpaper? 

The little digital clock over Zhan Zheng Xi’s crotch area told Jian Yi it was afternoon. It had been a while since he had slept this late. Usually, Zhan Zheng Xi kicked him out of the bed bright and early even on the weekends. 

Jian Yi looked around the apartment basking in the sunlight. It was quiet and empty. 

“Xixi?” he called out.

No answer. For a while, he just sat there and listened to the silence. 

“Huh. Weird.” 

Zhan Zheng Xi didn’t usually go anywhere without telling him. Especially lately. The first slither of unease slipped through the cracks and caressed him from the inside. The feeling of _something_ but not knowing _what_ exactly. 

Jian Yi flopped back on the bed and stretched out on the mattress. Somehow taking up space always helped him clear his mind and push the anxiety aside. 

He had probably just gone out somewhere. To the corner shop perhaps. Or maybe someone had called sick, and he had had to fill in at work. And for some reason, he hadn’t wanted to wake Jian Yi. 

Yeah, that was probably it. No reason to freak out over every little thing. Get a grip. 

Jian Yi decided to lounge in bed for some time, taking full advantage of Zhan Zheng Xi not being around to shoo him to get up. He hugged Zhan Zheng Xi’s pillow and buried his face in the familiar scent. 

It had been a while since he had fully enjoyed his mornings like this. For once, he hadn’t dreamed about anything – at least he couldn’t remember – and felt rested. There were no cold, musty feelings of restlessness he was in a hurry to shed first thing in the morning. No fuzzy and vague flashes that he would struggle to grasp and piece together the rest of the day. 

No waking Zhan Zheng Xi up with his own whimpering and then dodging questions about it. 

Jian Yi took a deep breath and rolled his shoulders to ease the tension that had crept in the muscles. Silence always sneaked up on him. Should he call Zhan Zheng Xi to see when he was coming back? Maybe tell him to bring some treats on his way. Something sweet and chocolate-related perhaps. 

Relieved to have found something to occupy himself with, Jian Yi scrolled for Zhan Zheng Xi’s number. The line was mute for a while before connecting. 

Suddenly something started rattling on the kitchen counter. Jian Yi jumped and almost dropped the phone. Heart pounding, he got up and walked over to the counter. 

Zhan Zheng Xi’s phone. Flashing and vibrating. Jian Yi’s name on the screen. 

“Weirder,” he muttered under his breath and ended the call, eager to quiet the rattle. 

Zhan Zheng Xi didn’t usually leave the house without his phone. Unless he had left it behind on purpose? Maybe he hadn’t meant to be gone that long? 

Yeah, Jian Yi thought to himself. That must be it. He’s just around the corner. To buy some sweets and snacks. 

The screen of Zhan Zheng Xi’s phone died down, and its blackness stared back at Jian Yi. The longer he looked at the phone, the more it became a part of Zhan Zheng Xi. Of his body. A vital organ. There was no way he would have knowingly left it behind. There was no such hurry in this world. 

Unless – 

“Shut up,” Jian Yi muttered and shook his head as if to physically shake off the anxious thoughts. “He just forgot, that’s all. He’s just – ”

He turned to go back to bed, but what his eyes landed on froze him on the spot. There, in the bowl they kept on a small table next to the front door. On top of a pile of various junk; receipts, tickets, loose coins, and subway passes. 

Zhan Zheng Xi’s bunch of keys. The yellow marker of his home key shining brightly to even where Jian Yi was standing. 

A bucket of cold water was downed on him. Zhan Zheng Xi might have left without telling him. Maybe even forgotten his phone. Unlikely but possible. But there was no way he would have ever forgotten his keys. Jian Yi had never seen him stepping over the threshold without them. 

Thoughts swirled in his head like little black bats left out of their cage, but he couldn’t grasp any of them. Just flashes. Frantic questions leading to scenarios each more horrifying than the next. 

Had someone broken in while he had been sleeping? Had they taken Zhan Zheng Xi? Kidnapped him? Had they knocked Jian Yi out with something and that’s why he had slept so soundly? Had Zhan Zheng Xi called for help? Had they dragged him out? Hurt him? Trapped him? 

Where? Who? Why? 

The doorbell rang. Its shrill tore through the air. Jian Yi’s started and whipped around to stare at the door. 

Had they – _him_ – come to get Jian Yi now? Again? 

Or what if this was yet another dream? It wouldn’t be the first time he’s trapped somewhere. Chased into a corner. Yanked back to the dead-end that started the cycle of the nightmare from the beginning once again. Was he actually tossing and turning next to Zhan Zheng Xi instead of standing frozen in their hallway? 

Jian Yi supposed it didn’t really matter. Dream or real, he wouldn’t go back without a fight. Not this time. 

Jian Yi backed away from the door until he reached their small kitchen. While keeping his eyes nailed at the door’s sturdy surface, he fumbled for the drawer where the utensils were. Blindly his hand grabbed the first thing. 

The doorbell rang again, and this time it was followed by pounding of a fist.

“Jian Yi! Open up!”

Zhan Zheng Xi? 

Jian Yi frowned in confusion. He stood stuck between wanting to burst the door open and glaring at it suspiciously. It could be a trap. 

“Are you alone?” he hollered back. 

A moment of silence. 

“What are you – _Yes_ , I’m alone. Open the door! I forgot my keys.”

Jian Yi’s sweaty hands squeezed around the weapon.

“What’s the password?”

“What password?!”

“The one only Zhan Zheng Xi knows! Say it if it's just you and no one else.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The password to enter the pillow fort.”

A longer silence. 

“That’s – We were in elementary school! How am I supposed to remember that? Jian Yi, open the fucking door!” 

A fist pounded the door again. 

“Password!”

“Oi, you idiot – “ 

Zhan Zheng Xi’s angry voice was cut off by their neighbor’s door opening in the hallway. They were talking but Jian Yi couldn’t make out the words. The neighbor sounded annoyed and Zhan Zheng Xi replied to him, apologizing. The door closed with a bang, and Jian Yi flinched. 

“Come on, Jian Yi,” Zhan Zheng Xi’s voice resumed – softer and coaxing, “open the door.”

Hesitant, Jian Yi shifted on his feet. Even in his own head, the situation didn’t make any sense anymore. The familiar gentle tone pulled him towards the door, but his hands were tied by invisible shackles. 

“I’m scared, Xixi,” he said in a shaky voice. “I’m scared, and I don’t even know why.”

The hallway on the other side fell silent. Jian Yi pressed his forehead against the door so hard it hurt. It smelled like wood and paint. He wondered was Zhan Zheng Xi leaning against it, too, on the other side. Mere inches away and yet so far. 

“Was it – the password – ,“ Zhan Zheng Xi began, “ – was it something about ogres?”

Jia Yi sniffed and perked up.

“Yes,” he said and sounded like a lost child even to his own ears. 

“I can’t believe you’re making me say this…” 

Zhan Zheng Xi released a sigh so heavy Jian Yi could hear it through the door. 

“Ogres farts smell the worst?”

For a while, Jian Yi just stared at the wooden surface separating them before reaching for the lock with trembling hands. It clicked loudly in the empty hallway. Surprised, Zhan Zheng Xi took a step back. Jian Yi peeked through the gap and saw a slither of his familiar jacket. 

“If you sniff them, you’ll be cursed,” he said. 

“You will slowly die of thirst.”

“So, put a plug in their but.”

Zhan Zheng Xi’s hand had come to rest against the side of the door and coaxed it open. He took a long look at Jian Yi from head to toe. Shivering in the entryway in his boxers and T-shirt. Eyes wide and wild. His gaze halted at Jian Yi’s right hand. 

“What are you doing with a butter knife?” 

Jian Yi looked down at the knife in his hand like he had seen it for the first time. 

“I thought I could use it.”

“Let me see that.”

Slowly Zhan Zheng Xi reached for the knife and removed it from Jian Yi’s slackened hold. Immediately after, arms wrapped around Jian Yi’s shoulders and pulled him in an embrace. He could smell the whiffs of fresh air, street dust, sunshine – the _outside_ on Zhan Zheng Xi’s rustling jacket. 

“I feel like we could’ve made the password shorter,” Zhan Zheng Xi said. “At least leave out the parts about ogre buts.”

Jian Yi gave a weak, watery chuckle. The rumble of Zhan Zheng Xi’s voice resonated deep in his chest, comforting and reassuring. He pressed closer to the solid presence and buried his face in the crook of Zhan Zheng Xi's neck. A warm hand rose to stroke the back of Jian Yi’s head.

“You want to tell me why you’re freaking out?” 

“I thought they had taken you.” 

“Who?”

“Just…they. I don’t know. Someone.”

“And you were going to fight them with a butter knife?” 

“You could’ve been in danger.”

“The only danger I was in was being overcharged for the chocolate bars you stuff your face with.”

Zhan Zheng Xi gave Jian Yi one last squeeze before pulling back. 

“C’mon, let’s get inside.”

Still holding onto the butter knife, he maneuvered Jian Yi around by his shoulders and led him to take a seat at the breakfast counter. The utensils chinked when Zhan Zheng Xi pulled the top drawer open and tossed the knife back into the mix. He shed his jacket and heaved a heavy-looking grocery bag Jian Yi hadn’t noticed until now on the counter. 

“You went to the store?” Jian Yi said with a frown. 

“I thought of making fried rice for dinner. We have some leftover rice from last night.”

Various packages were unloaded on the counter. A large round onion in a rustling plastic bag. A carton of eggs. Green bag of frozen peas that had started to sweat a little. Bundle of fresh carrots tied together with a band around their green tops. A package of chopped chicken strips mushed against the thin sheet of wrapping plastic. A couple of the chocolate-fudge bars Jian Yi liked. 

“Why didn’t you wake me up? And you forgot your keys and phone, too.”

Zhan Zheng Xi was silent for a while. He picked the flat wok off the draining rack mounted over the sink and positioned it on the stove with a metallic clang. He set up a cutting board and a knife on the bench opposite to where Jian Yi was sitting. 

“Xixi?”

Zhan Zheng Xi leaned against the bench and lifted his gaze to look at Jian Yi. 

“I didn’t just go the store,” he said. “I met with Qiu.”

Jian Yi’s face darkened. 

“What did he want from you?”

“I called him.”

Speechless, Jian Yi stared at Zhan Zheng Xi who lowered his eyes after a while. 

“He was leaving town, so I needed to hurry. I guess I forgot my keys and phone in all that.”

“And what did you talk about? You can barely stand mentioning the guy’s name.”

Zhan Zheng Xi pulled back from the bench and crossed his arms. This time his eyes didn’t avoid Jian Yi’s stare. 

“We talked about you. I called him because I didn’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been trying like hell, but nothing is working.”

He nodded towards the hallway. 

“And after your freak out just now, I think I made the right decision calling him.”

Jian Yi didn’t say anything. All of a sudden, he was exhausted. Tired of making up excuses. Ashamed of losing his head. And guilty for making Zhan Zheng Xi go through all that. His mind dull, he just sat there and watched the wet spots on the counter where the bag of frozen peas had started to defrost. 

The grocery bag rustled, and a piece of paper and a small orange bottle appeared on the counter in front of Jian Yi. He looked up at Zhan Zheng Xi from his haze. 

“What’s this?”

“They’re from Qiu. He told me to call that number and give you one of those pills every night before bed.” 

The little white tablets rattled in the plastic container when Jian Yi reached for it. The bottle was blank, with no names or instructions. The cross-ruled paper looked like it had been ripped off somewhere. The name of the drug and dosage were scribbled there in messy handwriting. Under them were someone’s name and phone number. 

“Doctor Lin Hua,” Jian Yi read out loud. 

“She’s a psychiatrist. Qiu said she’s someone who has worked with them before but she’s not…involved otherwise.”

Jian Yi lifted the bottle of pills. 

“And these?” 

“To help you sleep.”

“But I slept just fine last night.”

“That was last night. What about tonight? And the night after that? When was the last time you went a solid week without nightmares?”

Again, Jian Yi didn’t have the energy to argue. And Zhan Zheng Xi was right. More often than not his nights were restless and sleep was thin. He put the bottle down but kept fiddling with the piece of paper. Zhan Zheng Xi observed his restless shuffling for a while. 

“Do you want me to make the call for you?”

Jian Yi shrugged quietly. 

“I’ll call her first thing tomorrow then,” Zhan Zheng Xi said with a nod.

He snatched the paper from Jian Yi and put it on the fridge door with a magnet. It had almost perfect camouflage against the white smoothness. Jian Yi couldn’t make out the writing anymore from the distance. The little bottle Zhan Zheng Xi also put out of sight to the cupboard above the fridge. He frowned and glared at Jian Yi. 

“Don’t take these on your own.”

Jian Yi rolled his eyes. 

“Am I on suicide watch or something?”

“No, you’re on the idiot watch. Now, help me with dinner. You can’t take the pill on an empty stomach.”

Zhan Zheng Xi started peeling and chopping the big onion. Jian Yi was enlisted as the carrot washer. Soon, the kitchen was filled with sounds of water hitting the bottom of the sink, knife crunching trough juicy vegetables, and pieces of chicken sizzling on the wok. By the time Zhan Zheng Xi was done adjusting the seasoning – spicy or super spicy – Jian Yi’s stomach was growling with awoken appetite. 

Later that night Zhen Zheng Xi watched closely as Jian Yi took one of the little pills with water. Just as Jian Yi swallowed, the chilling fact that Zhan Zheng Xi couldn’t tell for sure what he was really giving him crossed his mind. All he could do was to trust Qiu’s word. Both a bit nervous, they glanced at each other as if expecting the drug to kick in immediately. 

To distract both of them, Zhan Zheng Xi set up a movie night. A late-night comedy which immature dirty jokes he knew would make Jian Yi cackle and Zhan Zheng Xi silently groan. He had suffered about halfway through the movie when he noticed Jian Yi yawning more often and starting to nod off against Zhan Zheng Xi’s shoulder. 

“Let’s go to bed,” he said and turned off the movie. 

Jian Yi’s eyes were glossy, and he blinked in slow motion.

“I’m not tired yet,” he mumbled. 

“C’mon. I will not carry you if you pass out here.” 

As soon as Zhan Zheng Xi’s head hit the pillow, Jian Yi wrapped around him like a wine. He tried to nudge some distance between them, but Jian Yi held on stubbornly. 

“Oi, there’s plenty of mattress behind you. No need to sleep on top of me.”

Jian Yi just shook his head, and wisps of his hair tickled Zhan Zheng Xi's face. With a sigh, he gave in. Maybe he could untangle himself after Jian Yi was knocked out. He reached to turn off the bedside lamp, but Jian Yi tightened his hold and let out a small whine. 

“What?”

“Leave it on.”

“It’s wasting energy and money.”

“Still. I just…I don’t want to be in the dark tonight.”

Quietly Zhan Zheng Xi yielded again and relaxed back on the mattress. He glanced at Jian Yi’s face. The light brows were knotted, and eyes shut tightly. The yellow glow of the lamp softened his fair skin. Zhan Zheng Xi reached to tuck an unruly lock of hair behind Jian Yi’s ear. The hazy eyes cracked open. 

“Xixi?”

“Are you still scared?”

Jian Yi blinked at him slowly. It seemed his brain was struggling to make sense of what Zhan Zheng Xi was talking about. 

“Of course, I’m not scared,” he said, his voice thick with sleepiness. “Because you’re here.”

With that, he burrowed his head into Zhan Zheng Xi’s shoulder, rubbed his cheek against the T-shirt, and sighed contented. Soon, all Zhan Zheng Xi could hear from his side was deep, even breathing. 

“Yeah,” he said quietly and pressed a little peck on top of Jian Yi’s head, “I’m here. And I’m not letting them get you.”

 **The End.**

**Author's Note:**

> Behind the keyboard: [Tumblr](https://notthatiwilleverwriteit.tumblr.com/) | [Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/venni.talvi.31) | Instagram: @notthatiwilleverwriteit


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